||[Jan. 23rd, 2009|08:31 pm]
I just realized, my entire life, I've self taught everything I know. It's depressing and leaves me not knowing my true progress, thus I always underestimate my abilities. I don't know how to handle encouragement when I receive it, I am constantly struggling against some unknown benchmark, and because I gauge my progress from the people who inspire me, I am always daunted by the task before me. I think this is the source of my ADD, I see my baby steps, I see the long road ahead, and I see no other references; just the insurmountable journey compared to the inadequate length of my steps. So I make leaps, and that leaves gaps in my knowledge. So I can cover a wide breadth of topics, just so long as I don't have to rely on some fundamental concept I've missed. Talking to me about subject? I speak my own language and can't express these ideas with my peers. I also don't get paid what I deserve because I'm a schizophrenic hacker.|
How do I fix this?
Since 2003, My past two relationships have been with people whose brains I respected, who have a wealth of knowledge that complimented my own, women interested in learning from me and interesting to learn from. I wanted this because I wanted someone to learn with, someone to encourage, someone to get encouragement from.
Of course, I got none of this from the women I dated. One dismissed my experience and knowledge, mainly because I didn't have a job, and the next would rather soak up every second worrying about communication in our relationship instead of actually having a relationship.
Maybe this trust or this burden is not what one should put on the shoulders of ones loves, but what better way to spend ones days with ones love? It beats TV. *sigh*
I want to enjoy life through learning but the discouragement is too great. How to I reconcile my desires with my experiences? Do I just need to kill idealism? Or do I need to find new people to learn with, romantic or otherwise.
Or should I just get better at my soul sucking job, earn a shit ton of money, and retire when my youth is but a shadow of a memory?
My answer is...I teach Milo. I learn everything I can so I can be sure that something I learn will be enjoyable with Milo.
Every note I strum, every volt I discharge, every potato I peal, every widget I turn, every drop of solder and slag, so I can give to Milo what I've never had; encouragement.
It's lonely but I feel righteous. Becoming a father...self taught, as usual.
I should be telling you that you don't suck more often than I do I suppose. :)
One thing I would suggest is some competition. Sounds like it would help you on multiple fronts. It gives you just about the best benchmark for your abilities, it puts you in the right groups of people to excel and winning things looks awesome on the resume. Who are you going to hire? Bob who went to MIT or Alice who single-handedly beat Bob's team at the national widget competition last year?
(Of course I wouldn't hire anyone from MIT anyway. So far every one I've met has been far more impressed by themselves then they have a right to be. Different story of course.)
I look forward to the day I can help Milo with science competitions. That truly sounds like a lot of fun.
I won't let him cheat. I'll show him concepts, and then watch him build with the ideas I give him. I hope it works out that way.
2009-01-31 11:05 am (UTC)
You probably don't want my advice, so I'm sorry if I'm meddling. And you might delete this, and that's OK, but please read it first.
I see you as someone who has a lot going for him, but lacks self-esteem. Stop investing so much of your emotional well-being in other people. That's a power you must reserve for yourself. Learn to recognize the signs that someone is trying to manipulate you, and stand up for yourself.
I'm sure you'll be a good father; you're bright and your heart is in the right place. You'll bring some much-needed sanity into the kid's world, if you know what I mean. It's unfortunate that you weren't encouraged, but you learned from that, and won't repeat the cycle. You'll provide a stimulating environment in which he'll learn many wonderful things.
However, there's a danger of living vicariously through your son. Don't put pressure on him to succeed where you feel you failed, to be outgoing where you think you were too shy. Just let him be, and do your best. Don't push him, let him make his own decisions. As he grows up he'll probably come to some tough realizations regarding family. If you allow him to make his own choices in life, he'll respect you for it, and it will be easier for him.
OK, I'm back to minding my own business now. Sorry we didn't meet under other circumstances, we might have got along better.
P.S. Feel free to psychoanalyze me too, if you like. I can take it. :)