demi0urgos (demi0urgos) wrote,

I just realized, my entire life, I've self taught everything I know. It's depressing and leaves me not knowing my true progress, thus I always underestimate my abilities. I don't know how to handle encouragement when I receive it, I am constantly struggling against some unknown benchmark, and because I gauge my progress from the people who inspire me, I am always daunted by the task before me. I think this is the source of my ADD, I see my baby steps, I see the long road ahead, and I see no other references; just the insurmountable journey compared to the inadequate length of my steps. So I make leaps, and that leaves gaps in my knowledge. So I can cover a wide breadth of topics, just so long as I don't have to rely on some fundamental concept I've missed. Talking to me about subject? I speak my own language and can't express these ideas with my peers. I also don't get paid what I deserve because I'm a schizophrenic hacker.

How do I fix this?

Since 2003, My past two relationships have been with people whose brains I respected, who have a wealth of knowledge that complimented my own, women interested in learning from me and interesting to learn from. I wanted this because I wanted someone to learn with, someone to encourage, someone to get encouragement from.

Of course, I got none of this from the women I dated. One dismissed my experience and knowledge, mainly because I didn't have a job, and the next would rather soak up every second worrying about communication in our relationship instead of actually having a relationship.

Maybe this trust or this burden is not what one should put on the shoulders of ones loves, but what better way to spend ones days with ones love? It beats TV. *sigh*

I want to enjoy life through learning but the discouragement is too great. How to I reconcile my desires with my experiences? Do I just need to kill idealism? Or do I need to find new people to learn with, romantic or otherwise.

Or should I just get better at my soul sucking job, earn a shit ton of money, and retire when my youth is but a shadow of a memory?

My answer is...I teach Milo. I learn everything I can so I can be sure that something I learn will be enjoyable with Milo.

Every note I strum, every volt I discharge, every potato I peal, every widget I turn, every drop of solder and slag, so I can give to Milo what I've never had; encouragement.

It's lonely but I feel righteous. Becoming a father...self taught, as usual.

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