File this under the things people don't warn you about kids. Becoming obsessed in their existence, but never feeling completely a part of it.
It's been a long time since I've used this sight as a space to empty my mind, and, damn it, my mind has filled up a dozen times over in that time. I don't know how to get back in the swing of things. My life has been a painful blur for the past three years. My attempt to capture the heart and the respect of Milo's mom, and then watching her beat the shit out of mine; my heart and my self respect.
I left her because there was no doubt in my mind that us cohabitation would create a toxic environment for Milo, and while I can't claim to have the power to pasteurize the drama out of Milo's life, I can try and create him a home for him void of it.
Now she's trying to find a place close to mine. I feel the walls closing in on me. I feel her presence growing larger and more ominous. I honestly feel afraid for mine and Milo's life. Whether or not she poses a threat to our physical person, Milo's and my sanctuary is now smaller and more cramped.
We put on a good show for each other. I try to be genuine about my concern for her, because a healthy Milo Mommy is a good thing for a Milo and a strong coparent is a good thing for me. However, her show is made less genuine by crazy, frothing Craigslist Ad's filled with vitriol and hate for me.
Why should I care? Because she is advertising to the world of her future suitors that her son's father is evil. Anyone she lands with this tactic is likely going to believe it, or else they'd not be interested in her story (I fell for this, so I'm I know such people exist.) Obviously, anyone who believes this story will likely perpetuate it...to her, to himself, to our friends...to Milo.
This is a force I fear reckoning.
So much of my life is on hold, waiting for her to get her shit together. I can't date, I can't look for better work, I can't rock the boat at my present employer, I can't let my guard down, and I can't sleep...
...because sleep cuts in to my Milo time.